Wednesday, October 4, 2017

After Las Vegas

Little Cuter is angry.  She has tools to deal with the anger, but she doesn't like being in that place. The kid put wherever you go, whatever you do, always bring your own sunshine on her Senior Page.  She brings joy to everyone, everyplace, everywhere.  It's been a hard and gloomy week.

Big Cuter called several times yesterday, checking that his maternal unit wasn't tripping over her frown.  I want to make sure that this doesn't take anything else away from you, he said, remembering that since the shooting in Aurora TBG and I are reluctant to go to a movie theater.  I know how much you loved going to the movies; I don't want you to lose anything else.

TBG is disgusted.  Congress, the NRA, gun manufacturers, Trump.... he's grinding his teeth and trying to keep from exploding.  I've been the recipient of hugs and sideways glances and admonitions to take care of myself; he's right back there in the Emergency Room, waiting for word.  It's not a good place to be.

And I feel like I've fallen off a cliff.  I cannot get my head around so many dead, so many injured, so much blood and pain and suffering.  I'm imagining the broken field running over bodies, and my brain begins to fog.  What is usually safely ensconced in the back is now a full blown cloud, sneaking into every crevasse.  

I'm flummoxed.  I don't know what to do to make it stop.  I don't know what more I can say, how much louder I can scream, how many more letters and phone calls and emails and op eds I can create when it feels like I'm beating my head against the wall.

I don't understand why this is an argument. No one hunts with an automatic rifle, semi- or not. These are weapons of war.  The Las Vegas shooter was a terrorist. So was ours.  It's so obvious to me, how can anyone really disagree?

What can I do?  

I read for a while before I left for cards this afternoon.  An hour later, TBG woke me from a dead sleep on the couch.  I wasn't tired when I sat down; I think my brain just turned off.  It's nice to have an internal GFI switch when my soul is drowning.

And now I'm seeing the stories and I'm sobbing.  I could feel him get shot....... A sunny soul..... I'll miss him, I'm his mama.   

I'll be fine.  I know I will.  I just want to say that I am not enjoying the journey.

8 comments:

  1. terrible, terrible time in our country, in our world. No matter how loud I scream, no one hears, no one listens, no one changes.

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    1. If Sandy Hook didn’t change their minds, what will?
      a/b

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  2. I'm sorry for you and your family as this has to be so much worse and it's bad enough for the rest of us. Knowing how this impacts you in a personal way, I started to write something here about guns but decided not to do it. I did put it in my issues blog where people go knowing they will get my opinion on sometimes painful subjects. If you want to read it, I'll give you the URL but I understand you are looking for healing and light surrounding your and yours. I hope you find that today. It will help to stay off the news or even late night comedians as right now the media is not helpful.

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    1. Thanks, Rain. I’ve only come back to this a week later, and now I can go to your blog and think. It takes a while to get away from Emotions Only Please!
      a/b

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  3. Those guns, with their high muzzle velocities should not be legal. They were outlawed until 2004, and I think the populace did just fine without them. The damage they inflict is just horrific. A handgun is bad enough, but these weapons are beyond the pale. As to what else can be done, I do not know.

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  4. Thinking of you and your family everyday... I wish I was there to give you a big hug. 😘 be angry, be sad, feel your feelings and then look at your grand daughter, all the kids at school and remember there is still good in this world amidst the evil.

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    1. For this’ one, even Prince didn’t help. Better now... but miss you still
      a/b

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