Fact and Fiction

I have been re-reading John Scalzi's Old Man's War series.  Science Fiction is not my favorite genre.  If not for the books Big Cuter recommends I wouldn't read it at all.  It's too much science and the fiction gets lost for me in the details, most of which I don't understand at all.  

Ender's Game came to me after he read it in middle school. It's still one of his important books (along with Plato's Republic.... yes, I know.....), and for good reason.  It opened my eyes to the possibilities within the genre, but nothing grabbed me that way until I found John Scalzi.

I saw him at the Tucson Festival of Books in March and picked up the books soon thereafter.  They are filled with many types of sentient beings.  Some are asteroids.  Some are room sized bugs with arms designed for slashing.  Some are human, although some of those humans are green, with self repairing bodies.  

Not all of them have consciousness.   

What that meant was hard for me to grasp, and Scalzi seems to recognize that some of us might have issues.  Several times the story takes a little leap backwards, with someone/thing explains the gift of consciousness once again.  Two of the major characters were part of a race that was sentient but had no notion of being individuals.  

I'm still grappling with it.  

So, apparently is the robotics community.

NPR told me about robots that can be trained to make my bed, empty my dishwasher, wash and fold the laundry.... the list went on.  The question facing the designers is not Can they be taught to figure other things out on their own?  but Should we really be creating thinking robots?

And there I was, back trying to figure out if the robot thinks but doesn't recognize another robot as a similar but distinct being does it lack consciousness?  And is that a good thing or a bad thing?  

This post has taken a long time to write, because my brain is off on tangent after tangent, trying to figure it out.  I'm having a hard time finding the words.  That's not a bad thing.  I love it when a book captivates me this way.

Standing Up

I went to the Old People's Protest outside Congressman Ciscomani's office on Saturday.  

That's not what it's called in the weekly emails I receive,  reminding me of the event, any specific theme to reflect on our signs, and the parking suggestions.   I usually parked in the lot for my Congressman's office.  But over the few weeks since I've been there,  a fence has gone up.  The email noted that a locally owned toy store,  Mildred and Dildred, supported our efforts and invited us to park behind their nearby store. 

So, I did, aided by the handy dandy sign at the curb.  If you look at the upper left corner, you can catch a glimpse of a fellow sign waver.  I drove around back, grabbed my sign and my pinwheel, and joined the throng.

Can I call 75 75 year olds a throng?  Waxing and waning over a two hour window, the organizers call it 75 strong every week.  Some are older, some are younger, but no one is as old as we were when we did this 50 years ago.  Where are they?

That last part was a major topic of conversation along the street corner.  The internet?  Not teaching civics in high school? A generation that's glued to their phones and eschews making eye contact with the real world?  We reached no consensus other than agreeing that we, ourselves, standing at a busy intersection, were doing our part.

There was a lady in a blow up American flag costume.  There were huge American flags and one Ukrainian flag.  There were signs reminding drivers that their President is a pedophile, a liar, a rapist, a criminal, and a dirtbag.  Draft Barron first was a popular meme.  

And then a gentleman of a certain age offered me one of these Gas Station Stickers.  

I am to place it, subtly, on the pump, with his finger pointing to the price per gallon.

I think I'm going to have to skip Costco next week and stop in for a few gallons at a QuickStop.

Buying Gas

The Chevron station at Prince and Oracle Roads usually has the least expensive gas on my way home.  Today, regular was advertised at $4.65/gallon.  Drive right in and pull up to one of the six empty slots.

So, I drove to Costco.  There, the line for the 20 slots snaked through the parking lot and out to the street, and regular gas was $3.85/gallon.

That's eighty cents per gallon in my pocket, or $8 for the ten gallons I bought.  $8 a week, 52 weeks a year..... we're talking serious money here.  

I spent the afternoon worrying about people living paycheck to paycheck and being very grateful for my situation in life.  

Ooops

How do you know that you don't know something if you don't know it?

This was the question TBG posed after recognizing that 75% of the kerfuffle over the doctor's return call was not because the doctor didn't make it but because modern technology was, in this instance, totally inaccessible to him.

He was unaware of the feature that would have avoided a lot of angst.  

And so he asked how we could hold him responsible for not knowing something he didn't know.  If he didn't know it how would he know to ask for it?  

All of these are reasonable interpretations of an uncomfortable situation.  But TBG is right - he was an idiot.

Things Fall Apart

Chinua Achebe's novel, Things Fall Apart, was a high school staple when the Cuters were young.  I read it, liked it, let it fuel my interest in western African authors, and forgot about it.  But the title stayed with me.

As our medical situation devolves into absurdity, my house began falling apart, too.

The toilet in the bathroom kept running.  Deaf as I am, it didn't bother me.  TBG, on the other hand, was driven crazy by the intermittent rushing of water in the tank.  

The refrigerator in the garage decided to die while Little Cuter's family was here, on Thursday, as the garbage cans were collected by Waste Management.  The smell of defrosted frozen left overs was potent.  I kept the freezer door closed until Sunday, the night before our Monday collection.

Opening it was traumatic, nauseating, gross, and awful.  Figuring out how to dispose of it all took some concentrated thought.  With TBG in no condition to do any heavy lifting, my first thought was a multitude of plastic grocery bags.  Unfortunately, the first one had a hole in the bottom.  Defrosted goo was all over the floor and my flip flops.  

There was a big box on the floor.  I dumped the Halloween decorations out and dropped the bag in.  That jump started the cleansing.  Pastries, chicken chili, pot roast - it all went into the box.  The Tupperware which had contained them had an odor ... a stench ... a stomach turning combination of scents that required immediate dousing with Dawn and hot water.  By the time I got back to the box, the liquids were beginning to destroy the bottom.

I pushed the box all the way to the curb, mustered all my strength, and heaved it into the can.  The pushing was a great leg and glute exercise, the lifting strictly mind over matter.  Someone was watching over me; the can didn't tip as I had feared.

With two projects in mind, I called Scott the Handyguy, our savior in times like these.  He picked up the fridge I selected at Lowes, moved the old one and installed the new one.  It's beautiful.

He worked on the toilet, fixing one part and discovering yet another piece of our house that was falling apart.  A quick trip back to Lowes for the necessary parts and five minutes later the unwanted sounds were a thing of the past.

Things do fall apart.  We're lucky to have someone to put them back together.  Now, if the doctor would only call us back........

And Waiting

I understand the logic behind it.  I wonder if anyone thought about the unintended consequences.

Lab and imaging and blood work results all appear, quickly, via email.  Too quickly.  They arrive, tempting you to open them and read them and try to make sense of values and <'s and >'s and long words with Latin or Greek roots.

They arrive before the physician receives them, or so we've been told many, many times.  And so, we wait.  Waiting for a phone call promised within a day or two, only it's been four days and okay, two of them were the weekend, but still......

There are people in our orbit who could interpret them.  Dr. Google is always available.  But the medical people started this and they ought to close the loop.  They have the expertise and our trust.

I wish they would act like they deserve it.

*****

I'm purposely oblique in these posts because it's not my story to tell. 

I feel the love even if I'm not answering questions <3

Paper or Plastic..... or the Cloud

Remember in the Before Times when the cashier at the grocery store would ask you if you preferred paper or plastic bags?

Now, of course, we all carry reusable bags (in California they rip out your fingernails if you show up bagless).  Whole Foods will use an old fashioned paper bag with two handles and the bigger chain stores use only plastic if you show up without your own toting equipment.

It's the same with paper records.  Everything is in the cloud.  Everything, that is, except for TBG's information.  He asks for a printed copy of everything anyone financial sends electronically.  I no longer laugh.  When we need something he knows just where it is, while I'm busy searching for the right folder, the right password, the damn machine to turn on and stop updating itself.

This morning he asked for some help.  Apparently, a decade's worth of statements have begun to outgrow their drawer.  He thinks he only needs a few years saved.  Did I have any 3 ring binders that expanded?  

When I told Amster this story later this morning, she reminded me that her office is now paperless and all those white binders I used to admire were now sitting, empty, in a cabinet.  Everything is in the cloud....oh, but it's TBG.

And that is why Amazon's same day delivery service just provided the solution my delightfully Luddite of a husband wanted.

He's a very happy man, easy to please with Amazon Reward Points. 

Waiting

Is there anything lonelier than waiting in a hospital?  

The testing will take a couple of hours.  Family members are not allowed behind the DO NOT ENTER door.

We do better when we can be together.  

So, I sit and I wait and I worry, even though the worrying is useless.  He's where he's supposed to be, doing what he's supposed to be doing, while I stare at Happy Patient Access Week posters on the wall.  

G'ma always said she felt safest in the hospital, because they know what they're doing and I don't.  Bleeding on the sidewalk outside the Safeway, I felt an eerie sesnse of calm when I heard the sirens heading our way.  

But now, powerless, waiting, wondering, uncertain about the next steps, I turned to my keyboard to control my anxiety.  Your presence is comforting, even before I send this out into the ether.  I'm not sharing details, and I'm closing the comments on this post because I'm trying not to focus on the what if's.

Know, though, that right now you are keeping me quite sane.  Less medicinal than downing another Ativan, I'm relying on the fact that writing has always helped me keep things in perspective and that sharing it in The Burrow takes it out of the worry loop in my brain.  

Really.  I just took my first deep breath of the day.  

Thank you for being here.  

And Again

Yesterday featured swimming,  more swimming,  Jenga, hot dogs on paper plates with all the trimmings.... all that after the kids drive up to ghost town near Phoenix to meet up with SIR's brother and nephews. 

This morning it's Uno for the boys (Grandpa gets a quick nap as Dada takes over) as the girls sleep in.  

Grandma's crazy pants came home with them yesterday,  a gift from the extended family. They are wild and wacky and so totally me. 

Two more days of love and fun in the sun.   My heart is full and my schedule is destroyed. 

Once Again

There was just too much fun and no time to write.

There was mini golf

There was New York style pizza. 

There were go karts and bumper boats and then a long drive home for the pool and dinner and kiddo bedtime before introducing SIR to The Music Man.

I may never get on schedule while they are visiting.  Sigh.......

I could write about Pam Bondi, but why?

I could write about Todd Blanche, but except for noticing that he has an extra letter at the end of each of his names, why?

I could write about the Arizona Wildcats being demolished in the Final Four, but I don't want to think about it any more.

I could write about managing the health care system, from billing to appointments to physcians, but who wants to dwell in that space?

Instead, I'm going to continue cleaning up and putting away and washing and dusting and grocery shopping and fill my mind with thoughts of the hours dwindling away as I wait for my mid-West family to arrive.

Now, if I could only find a way to work dwarf into this post I would have used all the dw words in the English language.  (Does anybody else miss The West Wing?

******

That was supposed to be Friday's post, until I remembered that it was Easter and I had my Marc Chagall vs bunnies post.  I put it in the queue to be updated and posted today but then the grandbabies came and we've been swimming and eating and swimming and eating and we took a nature walk  because Giblet fell on our hike when he was a little boy and now he refused to hike any more.

There is more joy ahead. I hope there's enough that I don't have to wonder where the Cabinet and VP are... if there isn't enough evidence to invoke the 25th amendment right now ..... he's absent and rambling and clearly not up to the job..... what more do they need?

I have to admit that having these 4 humans around has been the best antidote to the crumbling of our national stature on the world stage.  I have barely thought about that at all.  

Happy Easter Weekend

First posted in 2014; lightly edited over the years.

Happy Day Off From Work to those observing Good Friday (by choice or executive fiat).

Happy Easter to those who believe,

to those who like getting dressed in frilly finery,

to those with great hats,

and to those thinking deep thoughts.

*****

wikiart.org

Confronted with Marc Chagall's White Crucifixion at the Art Institute of Chicago, a very young Big Cuter wondered (quite loudlly) why that guy has a towel and nails through his hands.  

I directed him to his father, who was raised in various Protestant denominations, because his question highlighted the central problem I had with teaching the Cuters about Easter.  I was stuck between bunnies and lambs and a crucifixion. 

Nannie was eager to help, but she, too, was flummoxed.The bookstores didn't offer much.  Their descriptions of the Last Supper and The Passion and The Resurrection were either glossed over or overly grotesque for a sensitive, half-Christian, half-Jewish, little boy.  

We decided to stick with the bunnies and rebirth.  It was spring, after all.

Passover presented some of the same issues.  Why did God want to kill little boys, my own son wondered. Walk softly and carry a big stick came to mind as an answer, but it wouldn't do much to assuage his worry.  He was, after all, a first born son.  We wondered about a merciful God, about a righteous God, about a jealous God before the soup was served.  

I didn't worry about those issues when I was a child.  I thought it was weird that someone could die and be reborn, but if my Catholic girlfriend thought it was true, then who was I to argue?  Weird worked through elementary school.  

By high school, I was doubting the whole religion thing in general. I was able to conflate my problems with the stories to a problem with mythology in general.  I didn't give the Bible more credence than Edith Hamilton's Mythology.

Now there's FlapJilly and I'm faced with the same dilemma.  I asked her other grandmother, a Christian of many perspectives, if she had any ideas, but, sadly, MOTG was as lost last year as were Nannie and I, decades ago.

Once again, there were those bunnies.

Is that what faith is all about?  Believing that which is awkward because God is somehow involved?  If I had faith, perhaps I would know the answer.  But, I don't.  

So I am left with eating unleavened bread as I contemplate the Resurrection.  I wonder if the disciple to Jesus's right in The Last Supper really was Mary Magdalene.  I posit interesting tides and the parting of the Red Sea.  I dip my pinky in a wine glass and recount the ten plagues visited upon Egypt, and then I wash them off the plate and eat dinner.

It's not exactly what Sunday School or Hebrew School hoped for, but it's all I've got at the moment.

I'll celebrate by planting more pink and white  blossoms in my containers.  I'll watch the leaves appear from the bulbs planted years ago, and I'll concentrate on rebirth and miracles.  

And I'll try not to be angry at the bunnies eating the petunias.  It's their holiday, after all

Preparing For Grandkids

Every once in a while, Passover and Easter come around at the same time.  Given all that's going on in our lives, neither Little Cuter nor I noticed that was was one of those years.

So, to those who are celebrating, I hope your seders were/will be filled with love and memories and lots of soup and matzoh.  To those who are waiting for Good Friday and Easter Sunday, I hope your spirits soar and your days are filled with candy and sunshine and smiles.  

Here in my little corner of the world, the seder never happened (cf. paragraph one).  Instead, my focus has been on organizing my environment to accomodate two grown ups and two kiddos who will arrive with swim goggles and hugs on Saturday morning.

Clean sheets and blankets and pillows have been retrieved from their shrink wrap storage bags.  Flannel fitted sheet, no top sheet, his and hers favorite blankets on the correct sides of the bed for my darling daughter and her perfect husband.  

Those blankets have history.  His was an impulse purchaseI  made without knowing that it was exactly the blanket he'd loved as a child.  Hers was loved so much that G'ma had to add patches to save it from the rag bag.  

FlapJilly and Giblet will each have a single bed in the same room, bedecked with the bedclothes their mother and uncle cuddled with, many decades ago.  Do you remember Marimekko?  The linens are as bright as they were when I bought them. 

 (I'd show you a picture but the spin bike is occupying the space reserved for the second bed and we're too tired to do any heavy lifting right now.)

I have a grocery list that's heavy on the fruit and bagel side.  That's for Costco on Friday.  What remained was what their mother and I had forgotten - Easter baskets.

Were they little kids it would have been easy.  But they aren't little kids.  Little Cuter gave me suggestions for candy (the sour-er the better). I found the plastic eggs we'll be hiding, following the printed clues Little Cuter has printed out.  I found bath bombs and peeps in the shape of little ducks and small stuffies.  I am collecting coins to fill most of the eggs.  

But there is laundry and vacuuming and real grocery shopping yet to be done.  I'm going to get Barnes and Noble gift cards and consider myself finished.

Besides, I have a pool outside, heated to a perfectly lovely 90 degrees, and a hot tub if the clouds and cooler weather roll in.  Who needs candy?