Old Habits Die Hard

It happened again this afternoon.  

Taos Bubbe saw me bounce out of the booth and walk across the restaurant and her eyes grew wider... almost as wide as her smile.  I'm so happy for you!, she said.  And I was reminded once again that those who loved me hated to see me limping around.

I'd gotten used to the grunting and the crunching and the serious sensations (okay, the pain).  For the most part,  I'd managed to divorce my gait from the event that wrecked it.  It didn't always remind me of CTG and lying on the sidewalk; mostly it annoyed me without pushing open the lid of that box.

Early on in this adventure, TBG asked me what it would feel like when no one knew who I was.  How much of my identity was wrapped up in getting shot, he wondered.  Would I miss it when it was gone.

Nope.  I can tell you (and him) that it's nice to blend into the crowd.  It's wonderful to experience the world without my aching hip defining the moment.  The fact that I was shot when Gabby Giffords was shot did not come up at all - from the waitstaff nor in my head.  Nope, I don't moss that at all.

What's sticking around are not the mental memories, but the physical ones.  I find myself leaning onto a wall when I start to walk, to be sure I am steady before I move forward.  It's an unnecessary precaution.  I'm rock solid on my legs.  Still, my body remembers to take care.  I'm grateful for that as I smile at myself ... the self that's watching out for us.

I groan as I'm getting into my car.  Nothing hurts.  I'm just used to it hurting and so the noise comes out.  I can easily turn in the kitchen, yet I'm finding myself touching the countertops as I convey the cups to the cupboard.  I pause at every threshold even though I know that the elevation isn't a problem anymore.  

Old habits die hard.  

But then ..... I nearly burst into tears when I climbed up and over and down the stone covered barrier in the library parking lot.  It's only six or eight inches high, but those few inches had been insurmountable two months ago.  Without anything to lean on, I could take my chances on balancing or I could take the long way around.  

But when TBG drove me to the library, I got out on the passenger side and went up and over without a conscious thought impeding my progress..... until I got down and realized what I had done.  Old habits may die hard, but newer ones are being welcomed to take their place .... every single day.