Friday, April 8, 2011

Attitude

...... to sort out attitude from emotional range.

Nance left that as part of her comment yesterday.  As usual, she is exactly right, nuances and all.  

And so, today more than ever, I'm going to bore you with more of my self-indulgent crap, my thoughts on my thoughts.  I'm kinda sorta tired of it myself, truth be told.  But that's part of the story, so read on if you're interested.  If not, I understand.  Really, I do. 

I'm not sure how it happened, but it seems that I was under the impression that I'd be walking by now.  Striding out.  Covering some territory.  Taking the Recycling Container out to the street.... or at accompanying TBG as he lugged the thing out there .... I'd be taking a picture for you right now.  That, it seems, was my plan.

I never said it out loud.  I'm not sure I said it to myself.  I was never tempted to put weight on Dr. Boaz's hip because I'd been instructed not to do so.  I was compliant, even over those last long 48 hours when I asked everyone and anyone if it could possibly be true that my bones knew if it was 12 weeks exactly or 11 weeks and 5 days since my hip was repaired.  No one told me to disobey the doctor.  I didn't.

Somehow, though, I seem to have turned that into a fantasy : only needing the walker for balance for a few days, then, perhaps, a quad-cane - the kind with the four feet on a plate at the bottom- for a few days, and by next Monday morning I'd be strolling through Costco without a care in the world.

Definitely a fantasy.  

My hip flexors are in open revolt.  Having been nicely tucked away in a sitting or bent position for 3 months, they are unwilling to unravel themselves.  If I could type to you while standing up I would stretch them out right now.  As it is, in order to read a book or go on-line or do a crossword puzzle or Sudoku I have to sit.  And those tendons and ligaments just shrink right back up.  

I wish I were more tired.  Sleeping would be great for stretching them out.

But I'm not tired, I'm full of energy and I'm longing to get out in the car and go.  Someplace.  Anyplace.  All by myself.  The only problem is that my right leg is really an important part of the whole driving scenario and my right leg is exhausted by the time I get myself into The Schnozz.  I drive a mile, make three turns, and I'm ready for a nap.  

I'd hoped to be able to take G'ma out for lunch this week, but who will get our walkers into the car for us?

I ache, I'm disappointed, I am weak, I miss my Mommy and I'm just a little bit blue.  I haven't been this way since the hospital, when I couldn't get comfortable and it seemed that I never would.  Ever.  

But TBG assures me that this will get better, and I know he's right.  This will heal.  The sun will come up tomorrow and I will be here to greet it and it will be a good day.  And this takes us right back to Nance and sorting out attitude from emotional range.

I'm trying to approach my bad mood with a positive attitude.  Does that make sense?  I feel sorry for myself and I'm just a little bit whiny, but the sun is out and I'm going to walk in the pool and see if that doesn't alert these muscles to the fact that there's a new sheriff in town and it's time to get moving.

I'm going to allow myself the opportunity to have a bad day*.  I'm going to wallow in it for as long as it takes me to put on my swimsuit.  And then, it's Off with her head! and time to go forward.  It's impossible to be sad in the late afternoon in Tucson in April.

The depths are so profound. I am only beginning to dip my toe into the mire.  This is a much better way to be, for now.  I'm not denying the sorrow; I'm approaching it with caution. 

Today was a tough day.  Tomorrow will be better.


*Heidi gets credit for that idea.  She's as brilliant in person as she is on AMC's Heavy

15 comments:

  1. AB, you are entitled to have a bad day. I would be really surprised if you didn't have a bad day or two or even three. It's to be expected. Get your suit on and get moving in the pool. When I was pregnant and my bones ached from carrying the weight of my baby, my dr. told me to get in the pool. It will do wonders for your achy hip and if you see that it's not hurting in the pool, so you do that for a few days. Have pool time as much as you can.

    Sending a very warm hug! :)


    Megan xxx

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  2. The whole enchilada, well-embraced, one day at a time.

    Hip flexors are TRICKY even before they've curled up into hip flexor fetal position. Massage, heat, cold? Maybe the TENS unit? I am SO glad you've got a pool.

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  3. You have every right to have a bad day, to be disappointed, the whole thing and everybody needs to feel sorry for themselves now and then. It helps. You have more reason than most after having come this far from a disastrous event which would knock anybody down. I think your general mood is amazing given what happened and am glad you can have whiny, angry days with even some 'why me?' thinking thrown in. I think it's healthy and even healthier to be able to admit it. I am one of those live it all kind of person's. And living it all means, for none of us, is it always sunshine and roses.

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  4. When the world defines you as "cheery" it's hard to face that, for today at least, I'm beyond grumpy. I feel selfish and useless as TBG does everything and I watch and try to balance.

    But, today is a breezy sunny day and,I hope, my hip and I will make some slow-but-steady progress with a bit less sadness over the whole thing.

    Thanks for sticking with me as I heal. "What a long strange trip it's been"
    a/b

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  5. Ask TBG if he'd like to swap - you know, you able to do everything him recovering from being shot - I guarantee he wouldn't - no one would. You're entitled to feel blue, especially as you'd built yourself up for the day when you could finally weight-bear again.

    This too shall pass.

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  6. Don't despair--focus instead on how FAR you have come since Jan. 8!!!! xoxoxoox

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  7. I think you're suffering from unrealistic expectations. Granted, they were wonderful expectations, but there you go. When the spousal unit was recovering after the acetabular fracture, he used a heated pool frequently for stretch and muscle rebuilding. Can you get to one? I am certain you have physical therapy scheduled for the next few weeks, you'll need help with this, to avoid injury and over doing, right? Hang in, it won't last forever, and the good think is you kept your hip and didn't get a replacement. I think you're being very stoic about the whole thing. You're quite the inspiration.

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  8. Anytime I have a moment in which I feel like tearing out my hair out... I remember one simple fact.

    Time periods in our life -- both good and back -- are finite. They only last for a certain period before they are gone. Thus, savor the good ones and take heart in the fact that the bad ones will eventually be over.

    Good luck, my dear!

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  9. PS... It's okay to be selfish and grumpy sometimes. It's part of being human. ;)

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  10. Perfectly acceptable to have a grumpy, bad day. I would completely have the same thought that the doctors said 12 weeks, so it's 12 weeks, let's walk as if nothing happened. Tight hip flexors or not, it's that I'm going to recover fast attitude that has gotten you where you are today and will keep pushing you until it is walking without issues.
    I promise next time I can plan a trip west, even for business, I'm going to aim for AZ to visit!
    Elizabeth

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  11. Yep -- you're on the mend and Ma'am, this is part of it. Just be who you are -- and you will be motivatin' along pretty darn quick.

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  12. I think your hip flexors are just very bored indeed. I have a couple of kettlebells that could help to get them interested in moving again...let me know if you want a lesson and a loan. I have a very teeny one for getting started. (it's 9 lbs, and the kids swing it)

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  13. Yes, the next day was better, and so was the one after that. Kettle bells, yoga, pilates.... the orthopedist starts to shiver and shake when I mention anything along those lines. I'm pretending to be patient as I wait to see him again in 4 weeks. After that, all bets are off - I'm in the gym, working these lazy muscles until they scream!
    a/b

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