Am I the woman who organizes the meal deliveries and the transportation.... or the one who receives them?
Am I the person who devours a book at a single sitting.... or the one whose brain is taxed by Dear Abby?
Am I the one bringing laughter and adventure to G'ma.... or the one on the couch receiving her confused and surprised looks of bewilderment as she asks me what happened, again and again and again?
Am I the daughter who doesn't mind repeating the story because she is so grateful to have her mother asking the question over and over and over..... or the one who asks her brother to drive Mom back to the pod-castle because I just can't say it one more time?
Am I the girl in the gym, pushing the treadmill higher and faster.... or the one who looks at the distance between the couch and the table and opts to stay still?
Am I playing 12 games of wordscraper at the same time.... or wondering where my old opponents have gone?
Am I the person who sends hand-written thank you notes..... YES, that one is still around.
Am I the laundress-in-chief... or the person who sighs as the heavy dark clothes are washed with the delicate ones?
Do I fold or watch patiently as someone else wrestles my gym clothes into what passes for neat in his eyes?
Do I tough out the minor twinges which come from a hard workout..... or do I dive into the analgesics the moment the physical therapist closes the door behind her?
Am I the cynical New Yorker who hasn't had faith in anything she can't see or touch for a very long time.... or do I really see my little angel, my Christina-Taylor, sitting in the niche above the television, encouraging me to let the smiles out, to be strong, to be glad that I was her friend?
Am I the woman who filled her days with flowers and long walks.... or the slug-a-bed who watches her brother fill a vase with Calyx and Corolla roses ... the too small vase.... with the leaves on the stems dipping into the water.... and who doesn't say a word because he is trying so very hard to fill in the gaps I've left behind as I recline on my throne and try to grin?
Am I the brave woman who vowed to be up and running and astonish the world with my progress... or the frail, broken old lady who hurts every time she moves just a little?
I'm just not sure anymore. Not sure at all.
Both, both, both, both. And, who knew?
ReplyDelete"Am I the cynical New Yorker who hasn't had faith in anything she can't see or touch for a very long time.... or do I really see my little angel, my Christina-Taylor, sitting in the niche above the television...?"
The woman in me who only believes what can be proven (currently in command, but things can change swiftly) says, "Stuff Happens." She typically doesn't know what to say after that.
The mystic buried in my parietal lobes (a current theory, but things can change swiftly) says, "Apparently, you needed to practice being frail and needing well-meaning help."
Either way--treadmill or couch--you are A/B and your spacesuit is entirely intact here in The Burrow. And in the World, I suspect, you are the Suzi who gets to be both in control and out, and who gets to be loved either way.
[Susan U. knows this particular subject so well. What a conversation the two of you could have right now!]
You are everything to everyone and dear to many hearts! Don't try to change where the pain is coming from, it will happen by itself in time. Just be you, the you now, the you before and the wonderful you, you will be and have always been. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAt the moment, both, but the former you will be back sooner than you think. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou are all those things. In time some of those "you" will gradually fade away, and the old "you" will immerge. But like many things, it may take time. ...debbie
ReplyDeleteToday...
Why worry about tomorrow and the rising of the sun, or anguish over past mistakes or pain that cannot be undone?
Why waste life's precious moments on things that
bruise the heart, when today is ours to fashion into a work of art?
Today comes but once my friend, it never can return, so use it wisely while you can, there's a lesson you may learn.
Let history record the past no matter how sad and painful it might be, and tomorrow come what may, for it starts a brand new day! Be content to do your best with what you have today....
author unknown
You are all those women and it's okay. We all reach those points in different ways where we find out we didn't plan our lives for what ended up happening. Just give your body and spirit time. And don't care what others think about it. This is about you and what you need now.
ReplyDeleteTruth is... neither and both. And that, I suspect, is the wonder of you. Frustration, progress and healing are beautifully articulated here.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that you are what you are able to be physically and mentally and as you keep stretching the limits you become more and more what you want to be. Maybe most of what you were and maybe some changes too.
ReplyDeleteI think you must be all of those things, which comes off as trite when said out loud. How about, you are each of those things, but at different times?
ReplyDeleteHealing takes place on many different levels and sometimes we just have to sit and breathe to get to the next leve.
We're out here praying for you a/b. Take your time, there's no rush.
Sorry, I missed an "l" in the above missive. Oh, well.
ReplyDeleteThank you, denizens, for keeping me sane. I am confused and loved, achy and stronger, tired and exhilarated.
ReplyDeleteI do know that the sun comes up and I am here to watch it... and that makes me the luckiest woman in Tucson.
a/b
Even though you don't recognize the person you are right now, those that love you do. You are going through a process right now and I know they understand. You are no good to anyone else if you don't take care of yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself either. You are still the same person. You've just gone through a traumatic experience and anyone else in the same situation probably wouldn't be as strong (physically or mentally) as you. I know I wouldn't. I so admire you. You will persevere because that's what Christina-Taylor saw in you--a strong woman that she loved being with.
ReplyDeleteThrough your pain and confusion your words come out so beautifully. I can't think of what else to say except that we're here to listen...
ReplyDeleteYou have a gift...your writing. May you feel better each day.
ReplyDeleteI read all the comments and Kim's response, "neither and both" are where you are right now. You have never set on the sidelines of life and watched, you were the quarterback that carried the ball, you were the cheerleader who didn't give up until the last play, you were the fans who yelled until you were hoarse. It's just not in you to be the bystander who watches, never commenting. You need rest and care sweetpea and you will be back.
ReplyDeleteYou are everyone of those 'You' people all rolled into one right now. Writing about it is helping others you have never met or even know about! We are all willing you well. Go with the flow one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteCan I just tell you how much it means to me to have you share what is happening with you each day. I guess it may sound strange but it feels like I am privileged to know your family, really know you. The connection is very meaningful. For the past year I have been helping my daughter through a triplet pregnancy, through four trips in and out of the hospital, a surgery and 17 weeks of flat on your back bed rest and taking care of her three year old who didn't understand why Mom couldn't pick her up anymore. The trips were born Aug 10th 2010, a blessing beyond belief, 2 boys, weighing 5lbs.11oz.,and 5lbs.11oz. and the little girl 4lbs. 12oz. I felt like I had watched her create miracles right before my eyes. The helping and care we give has continued through the last almost six months now and we have our hands full with joy and gratitude and lots of work. I tell you this, because in the process I have lost touch with many of my friends. No time to share with them I guess, although some have moved away or are working out of state. At any rate I miss them but they are hard to replace. You don't just go out and order them up like a plate of tacos or spaghetti. Reading about how you are, and your family and Tucson ( I grew up there since the forth grade in Pueblo Gardens Elementary School, then Wakefield and Roskruge Junior High, and on to Catalina H. S. and then the U. of A.) has helped me process and try to make sense of this impossible tragedy. I love Tucson. But more than anything I just like you, and I am wishing you to be really WELL. Thank you for sharing with all of us.
ReplyDeleteYou do see C.T....never doubt for a moment she is there. Not a ghost, but her sweet spirit, comforting you and letting you know she is fine. Our 18-year-old nephew was killed in a car accident 3 1/2 years ago and a month later, after much grief, my 14-year-old daughter dreamed her came to her and told her he was fine and not to worry about him. I believe it was more than a dream, it was him actually telling her, I am doing great, no need to worry about me, please remember me and smile but go on with your life, I will always love you all. That's what Christina is saying to you when she smiles at you from the niche above the television. She's saying, it's okay, I am okay, you are okay...heal and be happy.
ReplyDeleteI, the one who listens to books, have found an
ReplyDeleteinteresting, story called The Moonstone.
The story is being told by a loyal old manservant who describes the events surrounding his Lady who was given a misbegotten yellow diamond that is cursed.
It's a nice long story where one can get lost.
The narrator has a nice voice making the story even more enjoyable.
Audio books can be downloaded to your computer.
Just a thought.
Helen
Healing is hard. But you'll make it through.
ReplyDeleteA/B
ReplyDeleteYou are an incredible women who is giving me a new perspective on how to live my life to the fullest even as a heart transplant recipient going out six years. Likewise, your little angel Christina Taylor has affected me immensely because of her generosity and caring heart even though I never knew her personally. You were blessed to have known her A/B and you are a very special person. God's speed A/B.
You are loved by many near and far.
ReplyDeleteMeg
Some of things, sometimes all of those things. Maybe constantly changing! :) Keep writing, keep healing. Thinking good thoughts for you!
ReplyDelete[Still working backwards through the posts I missed commenting on earlier this week...]
ReplyDeleteWhat may have actually happened -- well, of course too much has actually happened, but I mean happened, or IS happening, right here in this post -- is an exaggerated form of the disconnections a lot of us feel every day between who we are, who we'd like to be, who we seem to be, and then of course there's all the wish-fulfillment projections of people around us... It's a wonder any of us can sort any of it out.
But you, my gosh, you: you had a career behind you, many interests keeping your mind, body, and self active now, a nascent writerly persona just sort of opening -- carefully, easy now, eeeeasy -- here at The Burrow... and all of a sudden somebody switched on all these high-powered floodlights. (Worse, they're those weird sodium-vapor things which seem to make all objects and surfaces unnaturally yellow-orange.) Suddenly the shadows are much starker, the borders between the various selves practically jump out in 3-D. Talk about disorienting: I'm surprised you can even stand up--- oh, wait, scratch THAT verb. (Weak ha, there.)