I spent the middle hours trying to embrace the holiday spirit. All I managed to do was increase my anxiety quotient. I began to say it out loud: I am trying to embrace the holiday spirit I am trying to embrace the holiday spirit I am trying to embrace the holiday spirit and after a while I began to laugh at myself.
I realized that everything on my To Do List fills me with joy. Why it was making me nervous was and remains a mystery.... a mystery I am willing to ignore since the angst is gone.... replaced by the smell of brownies.
I walked the entire length of the discount mall and then I walked back outside the mall. I returned, without a receipt and without a problem, a horrendously-neon-blue-but-incredibly-soft-and-gooshy bathrobe I bought for TBG in a moment of insanity and received socks in exchange. I searched, in vain, for a water-proof infant snow suit and giggled along with the salesgirl (and she was a girl) as she told me that we don't have snow in Arizona.
I concentrated on swinging my arms (one of the skills I lost 47 months ago.... but I'm not going there right now) and lifting my thigh and there was no noise from my hip. There was emotional noise and a pinching feeling (something new, but new is good) but I made good on Big Cuter's compliment last week that, while I was still uneven I showed much more stamina than I had shown in August.
I'm keeping the impulse buying to a minimum ...three small $1 burlap sacks at Target
I'm wrapping and shipping as I go. There is no need for subterfuge. I'm buying pajamas and underwear and necessary kitchen utensils; the baby's too young and the kids are too old to require anything else. I found beautiful cards I bought on sale last year and I've been enjoying their feel as I put pen to paper and send love to my family and friends.
I treated myself to new baking pans and I'm going to take my time. I'm going to watch TBG devise new and interesting ways to turn a plain fresh baked brownie into a multi-ingredient delight. Arizona's wildly successful and fun to watch basketball and football teams will form the backdrop to my life and just typing it to you is putting a smile on my face.
As I've said before and will say again, writing to you is the best and least expensive therapy.
You are my gift to myself, every single day.