Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Meditation 105 - A Substitute Leader

I am wedded to the process, it seems.  I knew that Yogi Marsha was sending someone in her stead on Monday, and I went anyway.  There were six or seven of us when I closed my eyes, and ten or eleven when I opened them; far fewer than usual but enough to keep it from feeling creepy.

For some reason, my feet reached the floor today.  I was slouching, seeking a curved spine to avoid crushing the gunk accumulating in my hip. As the humidity makes everything swell, I become increasingly less mobile; I spend a considerable amount of time during the day looking for a position that will put some distance between the various parts of my self.  I send my thigh out toward my knee.  I lift my lower ribs up and off my pelvis.  I engage my spinis erectus. I relax my hip flexors.  It's exhausting and I never know whether it's the act of concentrating on all the rest or if I've actually created space that leads to a lessening of the throbbing.

That throbbing would be distracting, I feared.  It's hard to go within when the body is making such a racket.  I tried to listen with my full attention as the leader introduced herself and her colleague.  I caught half of it; I was too busy sitting in comfort... or the best approximation thereof.  But then we were all sitting with our eyes closed and her cadence hadn't changed and I was catching every third or fourth group of words and I was vaguely aware of being in the room but mostly I was inside.

I recognized it and let the thought pass away.

Without judgment, beyond a smile, I noted that my mind was relaxing. I had no idea how much time had passed. If it had been announced in advance, I'd missed it entirely.  Again, I had the thought, and let it pass.  I had no desire to open my eyes and find the clock; I didn't even form the thought.  I was as far from action as could be.

There was chatter outside the auditorium and it filtered into my space.  I was annoyed... then noticed the annoyance..... then noticed that I was noticing the annoyance.... and somehow the leader's voice was in my head talking about distractions and then I wasn't outside with the talkers anymore, if I ever had been.

When the bells chimed, I opened my eyes slowly and slightly.  We stood and raised our shoulders and our arms and I know I lifted my toes once or twice because I lost my balance and used that to regain it but the specifics are hazy. 

I know we sat down again after 2:30,  the official end of the session.  I know we closed our eyes and back I went to wherever it was that my still mind might be... but that's a thought I've had just now.  Then, I was as blank as I ever have been.

And now, two hours later, I am upright and pain free and breathing deeply and though I hurt when I walk I can sit without pressure and my musculature is engaged without struggle and I feel calm, truly calm, in the center of my ribs.... right about where the fist clenches when .... but why go there.... I just noticed that thought and let it go.

There's something in this mindfulness meditation that speaks to me.  That's for sure.

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