He loves Sgt. Pepperoni's pizza. Lately, they haven't been answering their phone with anything approaching regularity. This has caused much consternation.
Sometimes they're there. Sometimes they're not. Their reputation was suffering.
(OK, that was fun!)
But the pizza makes him smile, and I was feeling PTSDish and not at all peckish (I can't seem to make myself stop) so he decided to try them once again.
"Thank you for calling Sgt. Pepperoni's. We are closed for unfortunate circumstances."
That about covers all the possibilities, don't you think?