Why Do I Procrastinate?

I just paid bills.  I hate paying bills.  I'm not organized, I'm not good at the subtraction, dealing with money makes me anxious.  Somehow, decades ago, household bills became my responsibility.  Inertia set in and that's still the plan. It's not a good plan, but it is the plan.

I could make some noise and try to negotiate a new plan, but that would require action.  It's easier to fret.  Why, I wonder, do I put it off and put it off and worry about the fact that I haven't done it?  Why don't I just sit down at the desk and do it?  We have the money.  That's not the problem.  I don't know what is.

It's getting warmer and warmer, albeit more slowly than in years past.  My irrigation system should be analyzed for leaks.  Emitter valves should be evaluated to insure that the correct amount of liquid is flowing to the roots.  Those same valves should be moved out to the ever expanding drip line of the trees.  Some of those trees are well established and no longer require irrigation at all.  I know all this, yet I do nothing about it.  Desert plants are adapted to arid conditions; my personally-imposed-drought hasn't effected them thus far.  This cannot go on for much longer without damage to the plants, yet I do nothing.

My desk is covered with postal receipts for packages which have already been delivered, bills which were paid last month, syllabi for classes completed, magazines I've already read.  An hour of concentrated work and the surface would be clear, useful, inviting.  I know that.  I just don't do it.

Brother has promised to repair and refurbish my desktop computer's hard drives. We thought that a visit to the repair shop would have done the trick, but my $60 investment only served to prove that Brother's analysis was correct and that real work must be done.  Since he lives in Maryland and I live in Arizona, packing and shipping are involved.  I have known this since February.  I have been tripping over the non-working towers since then.  I have a plan - take them to UPS and let them box and ship the items for me.  I just don't take action.  I would love to have a working desktop.  I just don't do anything to make it happen.

Part of me knows that, for many things in life, if you wait long enough the problem will resolve itself.  I've lived by that mantra, and it's been borne out over and over again.  But my phone just beeped that a message had been received.... and I couldn't find it amidst the mess on the desk.  I had to call it from the house phone and track down the music by shifting the piles.  Some things do not get better over time.

It's not that I don't have options.  I've employed the services of a professional organizer in the past, and I loved the results.  I've spent afternoons up to my elbows in dust in the garage, rearranging the shelves in the potting shed, music blaring, fans blowing, a smile on my face.  My achy hip gets in my way these days, but the pains from bending over and moving sideways aren't the only reasons my life looks like this.  There's an emotional component that eludes me.  I try to figure it out, and I get nowhere.

I could consult my counselor, a wonderful woman who would lead me to the answer.  I could call MaryLynne and watch her work her magic.  I could deny myself all sorts of pleasures until the work is done. Yes, I know, all those options are available to me.

I just don't do anything about it.