I Have The Look

Crystal mentioned it yesterday at PT; there's something going on behind my eyes.

It's not anything to do with the residue of being in the path of 9mm bullets.  It's not anything to do with my aches and pains. G'ma is fine, or as fine as one can be with dementia and glaucoma and a set of clicking dentures.  TBG doesn't go to the dentist again until October.  The people I wanted to win won in the primary election yesterday and one of them even takes my phone calls.  Life is good.

Yes, life is good..... and if it weren't for the fact that 100some people will be partying in my backyard in less than thirty days.....less than 30 days, denizens!

It was decided so long ago, she was asked and said yes so long ago, it's been on our plate since so long ago that some part of what's behind the look in my eyes is the fact that the anticipation period is almost over.  I've always liked the part leading up to the event almost as much as the actual party.  Watching the home team's pitcher on the mound right before the first inning is my favorite part of baseball, too.  All that work, all that time, all the effort and worry and preparation was in service to that moment - the beginning.

This is a true beginning - the start of my daughter's married life.  She will probably have a new name, though that's presenting somewhat of a quandary.  She's leery of sounding like a law firm when she answers the phone.... she likes her maiden name..... she loves SIR and his name is a good one.... and who wants different surnames within one family?  Ask Not-Kathy..... she'll tell you in graphic detail why she gave up the different-from-my-children's surname. This should be at the top of my worry list.

And yet.... there are plates and cutlery and napkins to be secured.  There is weather to be worried about.  G'ma needs a dress and mine is on the third fitting with no end in sight.  Little things keep popping up, like how to keep people from parking in front of the house without putting orange cones on the street.  JannyLou has been a fountain of information and suggestions and ideas; they flow from her brain to her mouth to my welcoming ears.  There are solutions to every issue; I just have to act on them.

That's where I'm stuck.  Taking action brings me closer to the day..... and that should be a good thing, right?  Everyone loves everyone else. The plans put a smile on everyone's face. It's a party.... what's the problem?

I don't know, denizens.  I just don't know. I am anxious about everything - the parking and the deliveries and the set up and the staffing and most of all, the biggest worry, the thing that keeps me up at night, is that I'm forgetting something huge.

We have to figure out the order for the ceremony... who will walk when and with whom and sit where and stand when.  I have to conceive of a clever way to close the library doors to guests without making them feel unwelcome in my home.  The second french door to the yard is stuck; it needs to open so that the inside and the outside feel like one and it's refusing to cooperate.... perhaps because it's on TBG's side of this problem: bugs might fly in if the doors are open all night.

But all of these issues are manageable and not worthy of sleepless nights and anxious tummies in the middle of the day.... like right now... sitting at Amster's table, waiting for Mr's 7 and 9 to come home and play with me.  I'm afraid that if I take care of these issues others will rear their ugly heads... others that might have no apparent solutions.  I laugh at myself when I think that, as I did when I typed it just now.  Yet, I do nothing.

I've been paralyzed into inaction before in my life.  I've stared at tasks and wondered why I continued to leave them undone, even as deadlines approached.  This is different, somehow. I don't know why; I've hosted big parties before without tying my belly in a knot.  I'm not sure there's an answer deeper than "it's a wedding at home" that is needed.  I just wish the feeling would go away.  Soon.