My recovery was coming along nicely. There were plateaus and progress was slow and bending over was often an issue, let alone getting up from the ground once I got down there, but I never went backwards. I was continually getting better.
It became part of my persona, the getting better. You might have seen me with a cane one afternoon, but that looked awesome because last month you saw me with a walker. Your joy in my accomplishments helped me smile when I was down, and reinforced my belief that I was, in fact, getting better. I chose to believe you and it felt great. It was what I wanted to believe. It was also true.
I have no ostomies, no paralysis, no aphasia. There are no foreign objects lodged too close to my spine to be removed. I am well aware of the fact that things could be worse.
My limitations are emotional and neurological, in the sense that my numb thigh is a mass of re-connecting nerve endings. Those little suckers announce their re-emergence with authority. The edge of the dead zone is retreating, and each new shift of the border reveals even more wonderful areas of agony.
Yes, denizens, I'm back to admitting that I have pain. I spent the last 6 months or so being so grateful to be pain-free that I treated the term with reverence; I would not take its name in vain.
That was a foolish maneuver. I allowed the pain to take ever larger bites of what I could do, all the while adhering to my mantra since January 8th - my only job is to heal. Moving hurt so I stopped moving. Then thinking about moving got the pain going and soon I was just crying on the couch.
TBG, never one to allow wallowing when advice can so easily change my mindset, began kindly but ended sternly - I had, in large measure, brought this on myself. I'd taken don't do anything that hurts and given myself permission to avoid anything that might potentially hurt. And rehab is supposed to hurt, anyway. Everyone says so. I've been saying so. I've managed to work through the pain before now.....
Or have I? That's where I am stuck right now. Like the tree falling alone in the forest, if a pain is created but there are no nerves to relay the message to the brain is there really a pain at all? Has my recovery been based upon a faulty assumption? Have I been hurting and oblivious?
Yes, I have an appointment with the surgeon for Monday. Yes, I'll continue with Pilates and acupuncture and physical therapy. Yes, I'll follow TBG's modified weight lifting plan and practice squats under his supervision. Perhaps it is just weakness. Perhaps I can strengthen the surrounding musculature so that things will stay in place and grind and pinch a little less each day.
Going backwards is hard. In markets and in healing, the losses are always more potent than the gains. I was able to bear the physical pain because my head and my heart knew that it was temporary. I knew that this repaired hip would last for a long long long time, because I was not having surgery any time soon. I was fit going into this and I would be fit coming out of it. That was my plan and I was sticking to it.
I don't have to decide right now. I know that. But not having a clear plan in front of me is .... well..... terrible horrible no good very bad pretty much sums it up for Alexander and for me.
Oh, say..... Thanks a bunch for listening. I feel better all ready.