January 1, 2019

I'm going to try to stay awake to welcome in the new year.  This afternoon I thought about welcoming 2019 along with Little Cuter, who lives on East Coast time.  That made me smile, and I will certainly text her when her clock strikes 12, but I really want to usher this year out the door on my own terms, and that will require that I am awake.

I want to watch the stars and smell the cold desert night and breathe deeply of possibilities and the future.

My New Year's Resolution, like most of my good ones, came to me fully formed and out of the blue.  Someone was complaining and I wa.  s annoyed that she was complaining and then I wondered why I was listening at all, since she was declaiming to the lobby in general.  Why did I allow her into my personal space?

I didn't have to hear it.  I could concentrate on the studio's background music or concentrate on tying the perfect shoelace knot.  I could hum to myself.  That which was unpleasant did not deserve space in my head; I could tune it out.  Without guilt.  Without shame.  With full acknowledgement of the existence of the annoyance, I gave myself permission to avoid that which did not enhance my life.

I'm going to pay attention to what I listen to.

I'm going to curate what gets more than a cursory space in my brain.  I'm going to have to concentrate on the good, because that which does not enhance my life isn't worthy of attention, and I have a lot of attention to be paid.  I've spent too many years focusing on what might go wrong; I'm going to try to concentrate on what's going right.

I'm going to pay attention to what I listen to.

I'm not going to listen to the little voice in my head when it wants me to feel small or anxious.  Fear, rage, sorrow.... those are emotions I can work with.  But the niggling nagging belittling worry monster is no longer welcome.

Neither external nor internal noise will be tolerated.  I will attempt to create order and beauty out of that which cannot be avoided.  The sun came up today and I was here to see it.  By definition, it's a good day.  I resolve to enjoy it.

I'm going to pay attention to what I listen to.

*****

One of the first little voices I'm pushing out of my head is the one telling me to fix my Resolution. 

Stephen Pinker says that rhythm can overrule grammar when writing around the problem won't work.  And  I thought about it, twisting the words around and adding others but nothing was right.  It's not what I'm hearing, because I'll hear everything.  It's more about what sticks around, what demands my attention, what bears listening to. 

So, even though I commandeered  the I'm Silently Correcting Your Grammar t-shirt in the seasonal closet cleansing, I've made my peace with it all.  I hope those of you on whose ears it grates can forgive me.