Linda's comment yesterday hit home.
Why am I still so hard on myself?
Let's blame it on the parenting and move on, shall we?
I always want to do my best, to be my best, to be better than I was yesterday. In high school we knew exactly where we stood in the pecking order; I graduated 42nd in my class of 700, and I know who was 10th and who was 50th and who was 4th and a few others.
It's silly to care about something that happened 55 years ago, but I do.
In living up to expectations of excellence, I was taking care of myself. No one was ever disappointed so there were no opportunities for calumny.
Doing well also opened the door to opportunities in the future. I knew that then and I know that now.
When a friend's mother let her stay home from school for a mental health day, I thought it was at least immoral if not illegal. Back then, there was no such thing as self-care unless it involved tweezers.
But now there is, and I embrace it. I'm all about days in the comfy chair with good light and a good book and ordering food. There are times when the planless days of Pandemica are remembered with fondness. I stay away from the school garden when it's too hot or rainy or I just don't feel like going.
I don't feel guilty about any of that.
But writing The Burrow every weekday is a commitment I've made to myself and to you. I've held to it since April 14, 2009. That's 4,368 times I've managed to live up to expectations, to be good to those around me, by delivering what I promised.
That's an achievement that gives me great pleasure and pride and astonishment, that speaks to who I am and who I want to be, that feels like a warm hug to myself whenever I click Publish.
If I am AWOL, I should apologize. Good manners are part of our social contract (see our polite comment sections when politics are discussed). Being polite feels good. Being told to be kind to myself feels good.
It's nice when all these things that feel good conflate..... and create a blog post when nothing else came to mind.
Thanks, Linda
You are welcome. I have to work hard at following my own advice. Being a victim of the plague of perfectionism has caused plenty of stress in my life. Now as I near my 80th birthday, I am attempting to put that source of stress aside. It's a little easier now that age has reduced my mental sharpness and physical abilities to the point that "perfect" is impossible to come by. We will work together to be kind to ourselves. :-)
ReplyDeleteWrite when you are able. None of your readers are holding you to the high standards you have set for yourself. When I don't find a post here I figure you've been busy or there was a technology glitch or health and home matters got in the way. My life doesn't have enough content for a post every day, nor do I have the energy to do so. Now that school is out, I am able to post more often, but there are events coming up that will keep me from posting, but I'm always around to read whenever someone else posts.
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