A Reassessment

I asked Not-Kathy how I was walking.  Didn't she see improvement?  After all, she hadn't been around for the last 6 months; the difference must have been striking. Right? 

Actually, not much.

She's honest. She loves me. She's a nurse.  Those three qualifications factored into her analysis.  That made it all the more upsetting.

I've been noticing newly awakened musculature.  Nerve endings have connected with little explosions of  joy making their presence known in my upper thigh.  I'm able to do more in the gym and in Pilates, and do it with less unpleasant accompanying sensations (aka pain).  These gains have, I suppose, led me to a false sense of accomplishment.  If Not-Kathy thinks I'm stuck, then I'm stuck.

It's time for a reassessment. Once again, I have to assume a double role - patient and trainer.  I can't wimp out while looking at the weights; I have to put the 10 pound plates on the Smith Machine and do my squats deeply and powerfully and quickly and well.

I have done a few sets that way, stopping when it felt uncomfortable. Enough of that, I've decided.  There is gunk in my hip joint. I need to work past the sharp sensations caused when the space closes up and the gunk is squished. I have to continue the motion even though it's unpleasant to do so. 

I have to remember that rehab is different than exercise.  Rehab hurts because I'm using parts that were damaged or weakened or disturbed or destroyed. I can't expect them to bounce back easily. I have to encourage them.  I have to send energy in their direction.  I have to ask them to do that which they resist, and I have to ask them over and over and over again.

They aren't always happy with me, and that is a shame.  But I'll never get my knees together with my feet on the floor while sitting on a bench unless I demand that they do so. Right now, they are interested in comfort rather than progress.  That must change.

I have been reluctant to encourage them to straighten up and fly right.  It hurts when I engage my abductors.  It hurts, but my knees come together.  Both kneecaps face forward.  They are equidistant from the ground and from my spine.  It takes effort and concentration and the use of my entire body to organize.  It makes me smile when it happens.

It's time to stop pampering myself.  It's time to get back to work.