It rained all day and even though we needed it everyone in Tucson was miserable. After all, it rained yesterday, too. It's a constant presence. Combined with the clouds and the temperatures in the 50's and 60's, this more-than-a-drizzle-but-less-than-a-downpour mirrors my insides quite accurately.
I'm frozen. Trying not to wail, to wallow, to go right back to that cold sidewalk, I'm only partially successful. Like the steady rain on the outside, there's unwelcome background noise on the inside, too. It's the guilt I feel for not feeling.
Protecting myself = Ignoring their pain .... that's an equation that eats at me.
I try not to judge myself. Most of the time, I succeed. But typing to you forces me to think, and right now thinking is not where I want to be. So, if you will indulge me, I'll take the night off. I'll go on creating a Princess Poppy troll hat for FlapJilly. I'll watch the Olympics. I'll read some of the fourth C. J. Box mystery.
I'll try not to think.
Today I mourn. Tomorrow, back to work.
Cyber hugs heading your way! You have a total right to protect yourself 1st. And I know the gray skies and rain only add to the feelings (we want to see the sun again in northern Arizona too.) My heart breaks for everyone who has to relive gun trauma - and now we've just added a lot of teens and teachers to that ever growing group.
ReplyDeleteTBG said this afternoon that "our" MeToo movement just got a lot of new members!
Deletea/b