Looking Back, Looking Forward

This is a weird week for me, the days between The End of The Holidays and The Day I Got Shot.  I'm never quite sure what to make of it.

I remember snippets of those days, some of them vividly.  I remember everything about the morning leading up to my intersection with bullets.  Frames from the movie run randomly through my head every day; it's not uncomfortable, it's just there.

And that's where I get stuck.  Some piece of me wants to go back and change something and make it all go away.

Not that I regret anything that I did; I'd do it all over again tomorrow.  It was a civics lesson with a happy child on a sunny, weekend morning.  We were on top of our game, CTG and I.  We looked good, and we knew it.  We were doing something worthwhile, and we knew it.  She was angling for treats and she knew that she'd get them and then there was a photographer and thoughts of an autographed picture and then there were bullets.

I'm still surprised.  Short, Jewish, girls from Long Island just don't get shot.... except I did.

I'm not all consumed with the situation.  Far from it.  In December I made a lunch date for the first Monday after the New Year, putting it into my Google Calendar without much noticing the date -January 8th.  That's progress, I suppose, or maybe it's just the passage of time.  I am surprised about it.... although I must admit that I forgot if it was January 11, 2008 or January 8, 2011 for a split second last week. 

Whatever it is, the day will come and I will medicate myself with the hugs and smiles of kindergarten kids at Prince Elementary School.

We'll plant Grandma's Lorax Garden, with donated seeds and soil.  We'll get dirt under our fingernails and we'll stand back and admire our handiwork and we'll plan for our veggie garden and, at some point during the day, I'll realize that I've managed to get through the whole week without breaking down completely.

At least, that's my plan.