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Sunday, January 16, 2011

What I Know

I know that short Jewish girls from New York do get shot.

I know that time does stand still.

I know that my grandmother was right to remind me to wear nice underwear in case it had to be cut off me on the concrete in front of Safeway on a sunny Saturday morning.

I know that total strangers will put themselves in danger to save the lives of others.

I know that being a passenger in a med-evac helicopter is a very cool experience, and that I was right to turn my head and see my town spread out below me.

I know that I am loved.

I know that Gabby Giffords and I are married to very handsome very passionate very wonderful men.

I know that pilates and yoga and strength training and aerobic exercise provide you with "remarkable bones" which can hold a host of pins and plates and other paraphernalia and I know that without my time in the gym my experience right now would be very different.

I know that The Bride and Seret and MTF and Little Cuter and SIR will drop whatever they are doing and get on a plane and hold my head and my foot and my heart for as long as I need them, no matter how tired or busy or impoverished they are feeling.

I know that I am loved.

I know that words typed on the screen and sent across the ether to an injured soul in the desert southwest do have remarkable healing powers; I've spent the last hour medicating myself with your healing vibes and heartfelt good wishes. 

I know that it is possible to watch the light go out of another person's eyes.  I do not know if it is possible to live with that knowledge.  I do know that I will try.


I do not know why. 

I do not understand. 

I find no rhyme or reason in the whole situation, but I do know I am grateful, so very very very grateful, to all of you.

I'll be back tomorrow with more.  For now, know that I love you all.
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63 comments:

  1. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2011 at 12:53 AM

    We're here, pulling for you. Please take care of yourself.

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  2. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2011 at 5:45 AM

    Suzi, Know that the love and support is neverending and it is wonderful to see you post on your blog. Big hugs and much love from Ohio. Elizabeth, Mark, Paige, Clay and Brock

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  3. RoomieJanuary 16, 2011 at 6:13 AM

    I have been praying to see this since last Sunday morning when I expected to read your perspective on Saturday's tragic event and would have known you were alright. To my greatest fear, there was no posting from you and my prayers began. Now we can all begin to believe in miracles, the power of prayer and the hope of love can heal!
    My smile has returned and my love is constant as you continue to recover, along with the other victims. Love to your family! Love you girl!

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  4. Not KathyJanuary 16, 2011 at 6:57 AM

    I know waking up and seeing that you posted fills my heart with gladness. I know that you have only to ask and the ether is brimming with people who will answer whatever call you make. And who will hold you and cry with you because we all know there is no quick path to easing your sorrow. I know that, finally, thankfully, wonderfully, that I will have the incredible joy of snarfing the perfect brownies way too quickly next year.

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  5. UnknownJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:09 AM

    Outstanding to hear/read from you. You will continue to inspire us to share, love and take care of each other!

    Jules and Karen

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  6. LauraJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:29 AM

    My heart leapt with joy to see your post, dear one! We are so grateful that you are still here. Sending love and hugs and tears from Tucson, The Cheeses. xoxoox

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  7. karenJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:30 AM

    Ashleigh,
    I was so happy to read this beautiful post and to learn that you are recovering!
    Karen

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  8. Joy TiltonJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:39 AM

    Sending get well wishes for a quick recovery. I found you through Bill Thomas'ChangingAging.org
    I go there often as my Mom too is in the later stages of dementia/Alzheimers. Ashleigh, your posts about your Mother and your family are so touching, the love you have them jumps from the pages! Sending prayers up here and on my blog...

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  9. JESJanuary 16, 2011 at 8:41 AM

    As with Laura, above, my heart leapt up to see you standing here and speaking in these familiar settings.

    Whatever, whenever. Very happy for this here and now.

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  10. possumladyJanuary 16, 2011 at 9:07 AM

    After just watching the ABC Sunday morning show of the town hall in Tucson, I was thrilled to see your post. I'm sure your emotional healing will be a long and twisting road. But also know that that road is paved with love and hope from so many good people (and animals, as my herd of cats also send their mystical healing vibes to you and your family...

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  11. NanceJanuary 16, 2011 at 9:11 AM

    Oh, A/B, I have been so anxious to hear from you and I am so deeply glad you're here. May our conversation resume...begin. I feel so lucky to have you with us.

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  12. CeceJanuary 16, 2011 at 9:11 AM

    Ashleigh! So happy to hear from you and read your very poignant post! Have been sending light and love your direction.
    Cece

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  13. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2011 at 9:14 AM

    I am so glad to read your words, and to know that you are feeling well enough to write. Continued good healing vibes sent your way.

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  14. NanceJanuary 16, 2011 at 9:59 AM

    I'm reading again. And again. And again!

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  15. Barbara KJanuary 16, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    I am so happy that you are on the road to healing. I so very much look forward to your next trip to Long Beach,so we can share great food,even better Martinis,and best of all your presence.
    Hugs,
    Barbara K.

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  16. UnknownJanuary 16, 2011 at 11:38 AM

    Suzi: Sending love from your long lost friends, the Smartt family, in Tiburon. Our hearts are broken,we are trying to keep our children from disillusionment, but having flashbacks - of our girls on Christmas day, PTA meetings, book clubs, Parcel Tax campaigns, our boys playing Magic cards...and your constant advocacy for supporting love and hope. I know that you will use your new found (albeit unasked for) notoriety to do something good.

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  17. BeverlyJanuary 16, 2011 at 12:10 PM

    I am so glad to "hear" from you....I read Time Goes By, and that is how I found you. I was so profoundly affected by the tragedy....as a nurse, I know the fragility of life, yet, it never fails to bring me to my knees. I pray for continued strength for the days ahead....

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  18. Mommy JJanuary 16, 2011 at 12:21 PM

    Thank you Suzi - for showing us your strength on so many levels. You are helping us all heal...
    Love, Janet Q..

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  19. Meg at the Members LoungeJanuary 16, 2011 at 12:51 PM

    a/b - WELCOME BACK! Your post brought a big smile of joy and relief; all my friends and family here in New England are wishing you the best as you recover.

    P.S. Nance sent me mail to tell me you had posted today. Hopefully the earth is back on it's axis now!

    XO

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  20. Marilyn BrowningJanuary 16, 2011 at 12:56 PM

    Wishes for a smooth road to recovery from your fellow yogis and gymrats. Carolyn, Dan and I missed you at the gym this morning but know that we will see your smiling face soon. Sending you healing energy! Marilyn

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  21. Querulous SquirrelJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:25 PM

    Very moving and beautiful. And you've inspired a couch potato with osteoporosis to get off her ass and get to the gym.

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  22. kdyerphotoJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:29 PM

    Suzi, it is so wonderful to hear from you. You are such an inspiration to all. Intelligence, humor, strength and grace under pressure -- you are amazing. We are sending you more Marin healing energy and love.
    Karyne Dyer

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  23. Mom101January 16, 2011 at 1:32 PM

    We're rooting for you Ashleigh! (From one Jewish NY girl to another.)

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  24. BellaJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:35 PM

    I'm so very happy you're able to blog again. What happened can never be understood and the heartache for all is numbing. I'll keep you and the others in my prayers.

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  25. Kalyn DennyJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:36 PM

    So happy that you're healing and feeling well enough to write on the blog. Still sending healing love.

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  26. KatBouskaJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:41 PM

    And I'm so glad you're okay. This was beautifully written and absolutely heart breaking. I can't even imagine the pain families are reeling from after such a horrific experience. My thoughts are with all the victims and families. Keep fighting.

    ...changing my underwear now...

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  27. Loco YaYaJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:44 PM

    Found you via BlogHer. Sending healing vibes, prayers, and tears from Texas. Praying for a speedy recovery physically as well as emotionally.

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  28. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:57 PM

    I think you just inspired me to actually start exercising!

    Prayers and good thoughts for physical, emotional, and spiritual healing.

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  29. BrennaJanuary 16, 2011 at 2:05 PM

    That was beautifully written. I can't imagine what that experience would do to those who were there and their families. Wishing you (and everyone) a full and speedy recovery.

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  30. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2011 at 2:18 PM

    Hi, may you have continued healing. I just read about your blog through another blogger, Jes. This is amazing esepcially what you know. I cannot imagine but our world is forever changed by these events.

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  31. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2011 at 2:23 PM

    Your words are beautiful to read and see.
    An endless flow of love and healing vibes continue to flow from the Lambrix-Engler family to yours.

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  32. SUEB0BJanuary 16, 2011 at 3:18 PM

    A big BlogHer sisterhood hug ( a gentle, non-hurty hug) to you and to your lovely family. Wishing you an easy recovery and peace of heart.

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  33. NanceJanuary 16, 2011 at 5:37 PM

    From my friend Paula at Birds On A Wire:

    "I believe every victim needs to know someone realizes how close they came to death and is glad they made it. They need to know they had a right to be scared, and fully deserved their second chance at life."

    Fully deserved.

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  34. Rain TrueaxJanuary 16, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    I am glad to see you back posting and wish good recovery for you in all ways including what is bound to be an emotionally traumatic experience to recover from.

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  35. AbiolaJanuary 16, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    Writing to send you love and blessings. There is no answer to why, so don't worry with that. You are incredibly blessed-and that is a wonderful thing. There is magic in your future and we're lucky that you are here on the planet. xoxoox

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  36. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2011 at 6:41 PM

    ...It's amazing how much strength & healing bloom from love...in the desert. oxos, Artess

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  37. Tyler Orion (aka Lori Kaurman)January 16, 2011 at 6:58 PM

    Suzi- your OHS classmates have been sending you our collective healing vibes and keeping up a vigil on Facebook. Your strength is remarkable- clearly you are loved by many and I also wish you continued healing. Hugs from San Diego.

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  38. PaulaJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:08 PM

    So glad you're strong enough and clear enough to write this moving post. Hugs from one of the many out here in the blogospere cheering you on.

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  39. Corinne RodriguesJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:23 PM

    Dear Ashleigh - I'm a fellow blogger from India who just heard about your experience and came by to read your blog. I am overwhelmed by your strength and humor and your wonderful spirit. I have been reading about the senseless shooting and was inspired by the courage that ordinary people displayed. But it wasn't till I read your post that I was moved to tears. You truly are a remarkable woman and I'm so glad to be connected to you via your blog. More power, strength and healing to you!
    Corinne

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  40. Meal Makeover Mom JaniceJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    Hi Ashleigh, another fellow blogger sending love and healing thoughts your way. You have an amazing network of folks who love you. Continued recovery and good health!

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  41. UnknownJanuary 16, 2011 at 8:12 PM

    Suzi, thanks for your great message, and for the wonderful news we hear that you will soon be out of the hospital. Our hearts and prayers are with you and our hugs will be coming soon. Go Suzi!!!
    Your friends in the Cornell Club

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  42. Little CuterJanuary 16, 2011 at 8:28 PM

    My mom. She rocks. Indeed.

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  43. MylaJanuary 16, 2011 at 8:32 PM

    What I Know
    I know that my friend is a role model
    I know that my friend is a fighter
    I know that my friend is respected
    I know that my friend is loved
    I know that my friend will survive
    xxoo Myla

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  44. bichonpawzJanuary 16, 2011 at 8:50 PM

    My heart goes out to you and your family. So glad to see you posting. Blessings to you during your recovery. We are all pulling for you!

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  45. TeaJanuary 16, 2011 at 9:37 PM

    We don't understand either, but we're rooting for you and sending love.

    Glad about the clean underwear too. Sometimes the moms do know best :-)

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  46. Anne JohnsonJanuary 16, 2011 at 10:22 PM

    Hi Suzi via Ashleigh...wow...hugs, hugs, hugs from Anne and Natalie (and Ryan and Rick, who is finally back in town for the first time since 1/7, which is a little weird since he has been gone for this whole event so far). I'm glad to hear that your are "felnbatr," at least in some ways. By the way, I may have mentioned this in December, but you are responsible for pushing me off the decision fence about going to reunion last summer, and I am SOOO glad I went, had a fabulous time. Thank you again, and heal, heal, heal...

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  47. (O)CT(O)PUSJanuary 17, 2011 at 12:05 AM

    Dear A/B,
    I am here to bring you more good vibes and put a smile on your face. Please consider me as your cephalopod friend who lives life to fullest with arts (camouflage) and letters (ink). A good octopus has many friends and no anemones. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
    Formerly,
    (A short Jewish nerd originally from NYC)

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  48. TrekkyJanuary 17, 2011 at 7:17 AM

    I found your blog via BlogHer. Great to read that you are recovering. Hugs from the UK.

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  49. Rita ArensJanuary 17, 2011 at 10:18 AM

    So good to hear that not only are you recovering, you're still writing. Take care of you.

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  50. jack-of-all-thumbsJanuary 17, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    Resilient and insightful, all wrapped together. A teary-eyed thanks for the post.

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  51. DrGinaJanuary 17, 2011 at 11:15 AM

    You inspire us all to remember the important precious connections to one another. Thank-you for sharing your well-written wisdom. You remind us that all that work in the gym, all that time spend with loved ones, all the kind words people send really matters. It really makes a difference. Thank you!

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  52. BeeJanuary 17, 2011 at 2:58 PM

    So happy to see you posting Ashleigh! Hoping your recovery is going well and you are resting comfortably!

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  53. OMOJanuary 17, 2011 at 3:11 PM

    Suzi, your words inspire, and you show us in so many ways that you/we can be more than we thought we could be.... As you work through recovery, remember how many of us are circling you with love and cheering every step of the way.
    ... ps.. I don't know how to use this blog, and I must have originally signed the name our Granddaughter C Kenward gave me...Gladys

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  54. KnatoleeJanuary 17, 2011 at 4:26 PM

    Wishing you all the best on your journey of healing, emotional and physical.

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  55. pamelaJanuary 18, 2011 at 2:33 AM

    Some good must come from this terrible and senseless event. I wish you continued support and fast healing. You have to get well soon.
    with much love from England:)
    xxx

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  56. janinsanfranJanuary 18, 2011 at 11:51 AM

    So glad to read you again -- I'm awed by your apparent equilibrium. Know many unknown friends are pulling for your full recovery.

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  57. KateMJanuary 18, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    We think of you at Branson where you gave cheerfully and energetically to all whether we taught Billy and Jenny or not. May all the wounds of body and spirit heal. May you continue to give your brand of hope and joy to those around you.

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  58. LauraJanuary 18, 2011 at 8:55 PM

    Sleep tight, my friend, and be at peace. xoxo

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  59. UnknownJanuary 20, 2011 at 3:59 PM

    Precious. Peace be...

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  60. BeverlyJanuary 21, 2011 at 4:48 PM

    I just saw you on the news. I have never wanted to hug a blogger friend more. My words cannot express how you made me feel, I got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I send you healing thoughts, for your body, but, mostly for your heart!

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  61. Kathy McCordJanuary 23, 2011 at 10:33 PM

    You are in my thoughts. I remember your spirit and energy when we were parents at Branson and I know these will raise you up and carry you through this formidable experience.

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  62. AnonymousJanuary 25, 2011 at 3:36 PM

    Although I only saw part of the Dateline interview, I was so impressed with your ability to articulate what had happened while all the time in such pain. You are an exquisite witness to a horrific crime. A crime that should never have occurred.

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  63. Ashleigh BurroughsJuly 20, 2016 at 5:28 PM

    Five years and seven months later and these words still bring tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

    I know that I am loved.
    a/b

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